Where Are You Christmas?

This is the question that I have asked myself in the last couple of weeks.

The truth be told, I've been asking this question in various forms over the last few months. 

Nothing that was normal a few months ago is normal now. 

And here we are, days from Christmas, and I am looking for what I think should be "normal." 

And it isn't there. 


A couple of weeks ago and through this week, THIS was my "normal." 

And the couple of months before and since that, THIS was my "normal." 

Add to the "new normal" ingredient list:

Several unexpected bills to pay
2 different hospital stays
2 transmission problems
1 unexpected move
No "golden rings"
Fold in a mixture of outside opinions (both negative and positive) from family members and friends
And a partridge in a pear tree. 
(Minus the bird and the tree)



So I have been asking myself:  "Where are you Christmas?"

Looking through my photos of the last few months, the answer is clear.

Christmas is in my heart.

And my heart is right here:

This Christmas tree is not ours.

The room is not ours.

This photo was taken in a public place.

So was this:

As well as this:

I see the theme.  Do you?

At home or out and about, my heart exists in these four other people.

Whether we are together at a funeral,

In a doctor's office waiting room,

Walking away from me (trying to pretend I'm not there),

Or rallying around in a hospital room....

....that is where my heart is.

And that, my friends, is where Christmas will always be.

Whether it feels normal or not.

I imagine that the original Christmas morning did not feel normal to the main characters in the story.

And yet, it was their story.

Which makes my Christmas story 

Their's and mine.

And meant to be.

Merry Christmas friends, family members and blog followers.  

I look forward to hearing and reading about your own Christmas stories.  

(Before I sign out on this post, I need to note that my heart is also pulled in another direction with four more strings that are not noted with photographs.  Brian, Ty, Brady and Brinn....I see Christmas and love in all of you too.  If you are able, let's get together for a photo.  Maybe before the new year?)

The Nightmare

Please let me preface this post by saying a couple of things:

1.  You may be reading this blog because I have chosen to keep it a public blog.  But it still remains a spot for me to journal the things that I need to process in writing.  I understand that not all "processes-in-writing" are necessarily appropriate for public knowledge.  But I do know that "nothing is new under the sun."  This spot has always been a place for me to process.  It has been a priviledge of mine that you choose to share in it.  If you have something negative to say about me sharing my life in a public way, please do it privately.  Or just don't follow me here on the blogosphere.

2.  I will use terms in the following post that include words like "biological" and "step" and things like that.  In my "normal" life, I do not refer to any of my family as "step" or "biological" or "real."  I only use these terms to help others understand how some of the most important people in my life are related to me.  My entire family, biological, step, adopted, in-lawed and everything else has always been, and remains the same thing to me:  FAMILY.


Now.
for the story that I wish I could just get out of my head:

A couple of evenings ago, my step-mom called me to let me know that my step-sister and her boyfriend, who have a 4-month-old daughter together, were on their way to the University Hospital because their daughter was just transported by ambulance from her doctor appointment to there.

My niece had had a rough weekend with cold/flu-like symptoms that seemed to not get better by Monday morning.  They called Monday morning for a doctor appointment.  Doctors took xrays of the lungs.  Looked like pneumonia.  She was sent to the University Hospital.

My neices father had taken her to the appointment while my step sister was getting ready for night college classes.  My step sister is 16 years younger than I.  I feel like I could be her aunt. 

At the university, they thought I was her mom. 

When my step mom called, it was my understanding that my sister and her boyfriend did not know their way around to get to the hospital.  I am half-way from where they live and the hospital.  I have gotten to know the hospital a little more than I would have liked to with my own child in the last couple of months.

They met me at Casey's in my hometown and followed me to the hospital. 

I showed them where to go. 
Looking back on the story, I can see how God had me exactly where he wanted me to be to help my step sister and her boyfriend. 

I was at their side when then needed me.  In the background when I needed to be.  But there.

We got the to the ER.

Escorted to her room which was full of doctors.  We were told that they needed to intubate her to help her to breath.  We were told that she was stable. 

And we sat just outside where they told us to wait. 

15-20 minutes later we were told she was critical. 

We went to her room where a resident met us just outside the door. 

Apparently, after intubation, her lungs collapsed.  Air was escaping from her lungs to everywhere else.  They had been doing CPR for 10 minutes.

We entered the room.  My step sister held one of her daughter's hands.  Her significant other, the baby's father, held the other....while doctors continued CPR.

At one point, the baby's father fell to the ground.  I lifted him up to a chair that one of the nurses brought in so he could remain holding his daughter's hand.

After 24 minutes of CPR, doctors called the time of death. 

It is a blur to me.  Like a bad bad dream that I cannot seem to wake up from. 

Fade in: to 3 chairs in the ER room.  My step sister sat in the middle, holding her daughter.  Her boyfriend sat to the left of her, leaning in and holding on.  I sat to the right.  And sometimes to the front.  Assisting.  Holding my sister so she could hold her baby.   I have no idea how my sister will remember this time. 

But I will always remember the Holy Spirit whispers that helped me to be there without "being there."  To put my arm under my sister's arm while she was shaking and holding her baby's body.

How I could be there without "being there" to talk to social workers, nurses, doctors and medical examiners. 

How much my heart beats for my family, even if we are not close in age, proximity or beliefs. 

And how much that God must have wanted me there.  And here.  Even when it would be so much easier to just say "no." 

Because now I cannot sleep.  Even though I know in my mind and in my heart that this sweet baby girl is with her maker and mine, I can't get the image of the hospital room/after-life out of my dreams and out of my wakefullness. 

And I am worried about my step sister and her boyfriend.  They are so much younger than me.  And they are not really communicating with me.  It goes without saying that they are obviously not doing well. 

How do I fit in now, Lord?

How do I help them?

I won't even ask you How I am supposed to understand...

...I cannot imagine that I could possibly understand on this side of heaven.

 

Please send comfort.

To all involved.

And please continue to use me

if you can

to bring comfort

in the middle of this nightmare.

 

 

And if I can

I pray for a light

The proverbial light

at the end of the

proverbial tunnel. 

some sort of understanding.

Comfort.

Rest.

Community Service by the Sophomore

So I admit it. 

As someone in my community who has been asked every year for the last 4 years to write a letter of recommendation for scholarships....I have learned a thing or two.

One:  I can write a great letter.

Two:  It has nothing to do with my letter that wins scholarship awards.  It has everything to do with the scholar.

The common demoninator that I have noted, besides grades, is community service.

So I admit that I have encouraged my sophomore into getting involved in community service. 

Besides politics, he has said that he would be interested in "rescuing cats out of trees" for community service projects.

I'm no expert on community service, but I am thinking that "rescuing cats out of trees" isn't going to win you any scholarship money.

Especially when you have yet to rescue a single cat out of a tree. 

And no matter how much you love your own cat...but won't pick her up on your own!....I feel forced to recommend another community service.

One that fits better, if you know what I mean.

The Wildcat has recently been a recipient of a blood transfusion. 

It didn't save his life....but it definitely helped him recover from a virus diagnosis that kept him from producing his own red blood cells and hemoglobin.

Community Service Project:  Promote blood donation.

The Wildcat seemed to think that made more sense than "rescuing cats out of trees." 

(thank goodness.)

So.  If you need a dynamic sophomore to speek for your group about the importance of blood donation, let us know.  He is all for it. 

And if you are local, be sure to check out the Wilton Durant Advocate News for the Wildcat's letter to the editor in which he appeals to his friends about the importance of donating blood.  (I understand that high school students account for a significant percentage of blood donated each year.)

Wilton residents:  I believe there is a blood drive sponsored by the Wilton High School Honor Society comming up soon.

Durant residents:  The Durant Bank is sponsoring a blood drive soon. 

In the words of the Wildcat to his friends: 
 

You can be a hero.

Both on the field, court or course….and off. 

You already bleed for the game. 

You might as well donate some of that for life.
Donate blood. 

Threads of Thankfulness

Usually this time each year, I write some "random thoughts of thankfulness."

This is appropriate because all of my thoughts, thankful or not, do tend to be somewhat random.

(no big surprise if you visit me here often)

But this year, I am calling these thoughts "threads."

Here we go:

Obviously....these kids....who are quickly growing up to be not-so-much kids.

The one on the left, hiding behind the shades, is my baby.  Still and always a reminder that life is moving faster than I would like, but so blessed to be a main character in her story.  Tookie is a unique combination of all of the characters she gets to look up to.  Feisty, sweet and conscientious.  Fun, a worry-wart and she takes things quite literally.  (a challenge for those of us who like to talk in figures-of-speech) 

And she is a tree climber.

The next little sweetheart is the one with her tongue sticking out.

I tolerate this in photos from her.
Because I know it could be worse.

 She LOVES girl scouts, church camp and the Miracles Can Happen Boys Ranch.

This photo is from the boys ranch.  She left there and told me that someday she would like to work at a place like that.

Here she is at Church camp.
When I look at this girl, I see someone who represents everything I see in myself.  Good and Bad.
I am humbled, grateful and reminded, again, how time does not stand still.  I can be an influence on this kid...good and bad.  Humbling.


This girl is the combination of brains

beauty

attitude

 and heart.

They say that a picture is worth a thousand words.
Adding all of that up...these 4 are worth 4000 words.

And the writer in me is having trouble coming up with any that would actually do justice the the heart, attitude, beauty and brains that are all wrapped up in this one sweet young lady.

My sweet sweet sweet first-born girl.
Another reminder of how life keeps on moving whether I am ready or not.


Speaking of life and the speed of it....This young man looks exactly like his uncle.

And he has characteristic traits just like him as well.

Conscientiousness and a little bit afraid....
but not to the point of letting any of that stop him
From being who God made him to be.

 Football photo:  An example of calling plays, executing them and being a leader.
That is who he is.

 Football photo:  And example of what we thought was a concussion.  But it wasn't .  Feel free to visit the blog archives to read the full story.
But the story behind the story
Which is often the difference between what the world sees and what is really going on
(a theme for, like, everyone...I'm guessing)
Is that there were some major medical issues going on behind the scenes.

 Tests.
Phone calls.
Blood transfusion.
Bone marrow biopsy.

A few days of tests enough to scare us to death
And scare us to life.  

Because there is something about being scared to death (or about death) that makes every day of life there-on-after so much more meaningful.

And fortunately for us, we are all reminding of how fragile and fleeting life on earth is.

As my Wildcat would say:  "YOLO."  (you only live once)

His story this last year is a direct reminder that "YOLO" is true.  We all only live once.  A reminder to me that I want to make each day...each moment count.  For eternity.

Because we may only live once while we are here.

But we will all live forever in heaven.


Other things of SUPREME importance of the threads of thankfulness:

This kid.

 Brian's first born, Ty.
In his Junior year at Upper Iowa University.
An excellent student.
An inspirational camp counselor.
A football player.

A man that I am so glad that my younger kids look up to.

   Brady.....moved to college this fall.
I've always been a fan of this kid.
(oops....I mean young man)
He moved the farthest away from home.
And is doing work.
In the classroom and in the weight room.

I feel like I have watched this kid grow up over the last year.
A weird and surreal feeling.
Maturity does that to people.

I remember when he graduated from jr. high.

another weird feeling.
And a reminder of how this thread of my life is inspired, grows and intertwines with all of the other threads.


Brinn:  Brian's daughter.
I've loved her since I first met her in kindergarten as a classmate of Marisa's.

They were best friends.

This picture represents something else that I am thankful for, and apparently a lesson that God is working on with me:

Love no matter what.

It is okay if this girl does not love me back.
Because I love her, no matter what.

 It is love without response
Love without pretending
Love
Just because.


I am hoping that this story will change in the next near future.  But even if it doesn't, it is another reminder from above of what I need to know about love and thankfulness this year:     I love this kid, am thankful for her and it is okay if that is the way it has to be.

Because that is how God has and continues to be with me.

The ultimate definition of love.

Then there is this guy.  Admittedly, it is not the best picture of us this year.  But is is us....together this year.
We have been together....through tons of ups and tons of downs for almost 5 years.

We've seen the best and we have seen the worst in each other.

We belong more and more to each other and our life together as each day, each chapter and each story unfolds.

And we continue to hold on to each other's hands and hearts  in both of our stories.

Stories that seem to weave together like threads.

This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for each and every thread that is a part of my life.....and
I am finding that how I braid and re-braid each thread of family, love, and adventure all seem to work together in the story that God has let me be a character in.

The Speed of Life

I can sometimes give the illusion that I am keeping up with the Speed of Life.
On a normal day.

But there has not been anything normal about the last month.

Or maybe it is our new normal.

And I am not only NOT keeping up, but I can't even manage to look like I am halfway keeping up.

Perhaps it is time to hang up the imaginary super-hero cape that I like to bring out on those good days where I am managing motherhood faster than the speed of life.

But I can't find it.
I know it is lost up there somewhere in the recesses of my mind, all mixed up and lost with the bajillion other things that I can't seem to keep up with.

Oh well, I never did like that old cape anyway.
I should have donated it to goodwill while I was trying to potty train my 3rd-born child.
Or at the very least, when I was teaching my two oldest about the birds and the bees.  (Because after that talk, I know for certain that no mama-honoring award should ever be bestowed upon me.)


I'm over it.

But I'm not over being totally thankful that I get to be a character in a story that includes all four of my kids, Brian and his kids, and a community of friends and family that bless me in ways that I do not even think I deserve.

It's a great story.  And I am trying really hard to keep up with this current speed of life and all of the twists and turns in each chapter.

We Don't Share...

...except when it comes to germs.

Then we apparently have NO PROBLEM sharing.  

2 girls

Who, on the surface, it would appear, 

do not ever

share

anything.

Ever.

Except when it comes to germs.

Fortunately for me it all sort of happened on my day off.  

And by "day off" I mean the day that other people are not paying me to show up.  

(I apologize for the newspaper interview appointment by phone that I was not able to keep today)

Days like today

And SEVERAL other days in the last 3 weeks

Have made me so grateful for everyone who helps me out and is flexible with me and all of these crazy circumstances.  

Thank You.  

I owe you.  

And one of these girls woke up from a nap and was crying for her brother:

Sibling medicine seems to be working.

....even when sharing things like germs.