I'm talking about the "C" word.
you know the one.
It has no doubt affected all of us, in one way or another.
I was going to say "directly or indirectly"
but i had i hard time typing that one out.
Because even if we have not "directly" had cancer.....
....when someone close to us has, it "directly" affects us.
And I know this.
I live this.
About a year-and-a-half ago, I noticed a spot on Brian's back.
It was there for a while, but it was....changing.
As it turned out, "suspicious" translated into "cancer."
And, you know, it was the kind there isn't a cure for.
So the question(s) then becomes....
can we get it out?
has it traveled?
I have since come to hate and love each of these questions.
Because I am a different person because of them.
The long story, short is that my love
It didn't travel to the lymph nodes
But there is never
"out of the woods"
It's more of a
"Keep a really close eye out for any more suspicions"
The two of us
and both of our families
have gone through
that comes with this particular
diagnosis and prognosis.
And for ME, personally,
It has become one of those things that was scary
....just something that I forgot to think about.
Until this morning.
For 2 reasons.
Both seemingly unrelated.
Except that I have this faith/intuition/gut-feeling
that the 2 reasons
are totally related.....and meant to be.....for me.
(just a side note here, so so so sorry if you are expecting to read more than my personal journal-type thoughts here.....no wisdom, no humor, no insight.....just thoughts processed out on the page here)
I saw a "spot" on my brian.
I did not panic.
And it turns out to be nothing more than a bruise.
Which I humorously blew off
in a way that is
probably not for me to mention....here.
But it made me feel emotional
And take another thought
about the fragility of the life we have.
And emotional about the life we are promised
(as a believer....that's me)
And I am tearful
In that, ugly sort of crying way that I can sometimes get
In the very same tears and breath.
It brings back all of those questions
Becuase, you know that hate/love thing I mentioned before?
I hate to think
about all of the moments
that I have wasted
on things that really don't matter
in this life
or in the eternal life.
And I want to love
every single moment
of this life
that i am not promised
So that in the the heaven that i am promised
I can look back on
"i was there"
"i left it all on the field" (so to speak)
And no matter what
Whether it is my love
my extended family
anyone who i am close to
I can say that I lived these words:
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:13
Are you ready for the second reason?
I'm too choked up right now.