Saturday, March 26, 2011

The Big Scare

I'm talking about the "C" word.

you know the one. 


It has no doubt affected all of us, in one way or another.

I was going to say "directly or indirectly"

but i had i hard time typing that one out. 

Because even if we have not "directly" had cancer.....
....when someone close to us has, it "directly" affects us.

And I know this.
I live this. 

About a year-and-a-half ago, I noticed a spot on Brian's back.
It was there for a while, but it was....changing.

As it turned out, "suspicious" translated into "cancer."
And, you know, it was the kind there isn't a cure for. 
So the question(s) then becomes....
can we get it out?
has it traveled?
how long?

I have since come to hate and love each of these questions. 
Because I am a different person because of them.

The long story, short is that my love
had cancer
It didn't travel to the lymph nodes
But there is never
really an
"out of the woods"

It's more of a
"Keep a really close eye out for any more suspicions"

The two of us
and both of our families
have gone through
the depression
and healing
that comes with this particular
diagnosis and prognosis.

And for ME, personally,
It has become one of those things that was scary
and threatening
and then.......
....just something that I forgot to think about.

Until this morning.

For 2 reasons.
Both seemingly unrelated.
Except that I have this faith/intuition/gut-feeling
that the 2 reasons
are totally related.....and meant to be.....for me.

(just a side note here, so so so sorry if you are expecting to read more than my personal journal-type thoughts wisdom, no humor, no insight.....just thoughts processed out on the page here)

I saw a "spot" on my brian.
I did not panic.
Outwardly, anyway.
I investigated.
And it turns out to be nothing more than a bruise.
Which I humorously blew off
in a way that is
probably not for me to 

But it made me feel emotional
And take another thought
about the fragility of the life we have.

And emotional about the life we are promised
(as a believer....that's me)

And I am tearful
In that, ugly sort of crying way that I can sometimes get

And thankful
In the very same tears and breath. 

It brings back all of those questions
and fragility
and insecurity.

Becuase, you know that hate/love thing I mentioned before?
I hate to think
about all of the moments
that I have wasted
on things that really don't matter
in this life
or in the eternal life.

And I want to love
and embrace
every single moment
of this life
that i am not promised

So that in the the heaven that i am promised
I can look back on
and say
"that mattered"
"i was there"
"i left it all on the field" (so to speak)

And no matter what
Whether it is my love
my kids
my family
my extended family
my neighbors
my coworkers
anyone who i am close to

I can say that I lived these words:

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:13

And now.
Are you ready for the second reason?
Stay tuned.....

I'm too choked up right now. 

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